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I remember how often my friend screamed ‘‘marriage'' last year. She finally got what she wanted: a well packaged husband. He was a bachelor who didn't have a secret wife or daughter tucked away somewhere when they met. He was rich, lives in Ikoyi and travelled whenever and to wherever he wanted. And did I add that he has a very good job?
Well, my friend was the envy of all her friends when she got married in December last year. But the story changed quite quickly in January when she came running to me. I asked her what the matter was. "I am Yoruba and he is Igbo" was her shocking reply. It was on the tip of my tongue to ask her if this fact had skipped her mind before she got married but kept quiet and allowed her continue with her complaints which included, "we don't understand each other; he likes speaking his language to his folks and siblings when I am around; I hate that he prefers his mother to me; his love for his stupid traditional spices make me sick; we fight over everything especially his mother and sisters; he never allows me wear what I want out of the house; I can't stick his typical selfish Igbo tendencies."
I was shocked by her statement, ‘‘selfish Igbo tendencies.'' I always wanted to marry outside my tribe and imagined laughing over old, cultural habits with my husband, learning new cultures, dressing and cooking recipes, learning to live with someone not of my tribe, and learning a new language. But my friend made it look like torture to be in that kind of marriage.
Concerns of family and friends
My friend's situation isn't unique to her. Intertribal marriages have become more common in recent years, especially in cities like Lagos where people from different tribes find themselves living as neighbours or working together. However, it is not uncommon for friends and families of a man or woman who decides to marry outside his tribe to raise the usual questions. Didn't he see any Igbo girl? Does it have to be a Calabar girl? Why does she want to marry a Hausa man? Aren't there any more Yoruba men?
The questions are endless so when problems arise in such marriages, people are quick to say that they are inter tribal related. But this isn't entirely true because even marriages that are within a tribe come with challenges. So it is only natural that intertribal marriages have their own challenges including language barrier and cultural differences ranging from food, dressing to traditional practices. There is also the pressure from the extended family to contend with. When you consider all these the thought of an inter-tribal marriage scares you but does this mean that inter tribal marriages don't work?
Making it work
The success of a marriage depends on the two parties concerned, the husband and wife. Mr and Mrs Nwafor have successfully remained in an intertribal marriage for seven years and have two children.
Their case is just an example of couples who have success stories to tell about intertribal marriages. While Mrs. Nwafor is Yoruba, her husband is half Igbo and half Akwa Ibom (Igbo father and Akwa Ibom mother). Mrs. Nwafor admits that it isn't all rosy but she cooperates with her husband to make her marriage a success and tries to overcome the language barrier between them. "My own case is a bit easier because my husband can speak Yoruba fluently. So we communicate in Yoruba, the language we both understand. If he didn't understand Yoruba, then we'll probably speak English or pidgin," she says.
She however doesn't understand his language but they find a way around it.
"He doesn't speak his local dialect when I'm around because he knows I don't understand," she continues.
But what if your husband isn't like Mr. Nwafor who understands his wife's language. Don't just sit there and complain, make an effort to learn your spouse's language.
Priscilla Umanah, a Delta State born who is married to an Akwa Ibom man, believes learning a spouse's language will help reduce the tension in intertribal marriages although she admits that learning a new language isn't very easy. "I have a problem with learning languages so I have to write down anything I learn. I have a lot of people around me that are willing to teach me," she says.
The issue of child naming is one of the challenges Priscilla and her husband had to face. It is the aspect of the husband's culture, Priscilla finds difficult to understand. The fact that the child is given only one name in his culture still puzzles her because she is familiar with a child having two or more names in her culture.
She reveals, "We had issues with child naming when our son was born. I decided that if we're going to name our son it should be English so I chose the name and had to convince him to accept it." There is the common saying that the best way to a man's heart is through his stomach so if you're a wife, you should learn to cook your husband's traditional dishes.
While Priscilla Umanah never had problems with making the traditional dishes before marriage, Mrs. Nwafor had to learn. "My mother-in-law taught me how to make the traditional dishes," Mrs. Nwafor says. It is also very important not to ascribe any character of your spouse to his tribe. Your spouse doesn't snore, belch, smirk his lips when eating, selfish or greedy because he is Igbo, Hausa or Yoruba. These are all just his habits and not characteristics of the tribe he belongs to.
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