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From word of mouth to messages on Facebook, Twitter, Blackberry, blogs and other social media, Nigerians and their distant allies have started ‘dramatising’ their plights in the hands of the Federal Government that has removed fuel subsidy. Outside government circles where officials are trying hard to play down the pain the decision has inflicted on the polity, everyone knows that tough times are really here. But because man shall not live by agonising alone, many people have resolved to air their views in very creative ways.
On the various channels, they are exchanging funny photographs, sketches, cartoons, jokes, anecdotes, euphemisms and outright abuses in a manner making others to laugh in the midst of the socio-economic tragedy the subsidy removal appears to represent.
Understandably, President Goodluck Jonathan is at the centre of some of the exchanges. Besides, the influence of Boko Haram has become so dominant that its essence is also echoing through the jokes.
Listen to this fake news that hit the BB newsstand on Sunday, as soon as the subsidy removal was announced, “Boko Haram has claimed responsibility for the fuel subsidy removal…” Below are some of the cracks fast travelling round – presented almost as raw as they come.
At the barber’s shop
Customer : How much you dey cut hair for here?
Barber: Oga na N100 with ‘Nepa’ but N800 with Gen’!
Customer : A beg, flash me when Nepa bring light.
Lucky thief
A thief was caught and a tyre was put around his neck and a box of matches was brought out, but nobody agreed to bring petrol . D thief smiled and said, “Thanks to fuel subsidy removal.”
Frank Edoho
My name is Frank Edoho… This is who Wants to be a Millionaire…. The next question is for 50 LITRES of petrol…
Warning to GEJ
Bad roads, Boko Haram bombings, unemployment, Niger Delta militants, insensitive govt, corruption & fuel increase to N150…GEJ, u don fall my hand finish sha.. Abeg remove dt ya Fedora cap & put on ur Thinking 2cap cos d damage will be collateral….Cheii! Cry my beloved country.
Startling implications
Witches and wizards will carry passengers at night at affordable prices.Most importantly, Jonathan will finally have the money to send his wife to nursery school.
At gunpoint
Abeg, see subsidy wahala o: A car has just been snatched @ gunpoint just after filling his tank at Gbagada and the owner kept screaming: “MY FUEL, My FUEL!!” See wat Nigerians have been turned to!
Bride price list
An Igbo man just received a bride price list: 1. 25litres of petrol (non-negotiable) 2.N200,000 cash(negotiable) 3. 20 yards of ankara (negotiable) 4. 30 tubers of Yam (negotiable), 5. 1 bag of salt, etc.
BB broadcast charge
BB chat and pings on me are not free anymore. They now cost N50 to chat and N20 to ping, N5 to view and copy my DP. Please, bear with me on this new development, there is no subsidy on BB anymore. As you all know that fuel now costs N140 per litre and I have to fill my generator to respond to your chats and pings. Thank you for your usual cooperation.
Effects of fuel subsidy removal
•There’ll nw b more pedestrians dan cars. Pedestrians on dual carriageways, cars wil nw use d sidewalks.
•No more using of generator to watch seasonal films.
•Nw some boys r gonna strt using fuel to toast chicks..’’Baby take a look at my guage, I hv full tank.”
•No more car accidents, na ankle and knee dislocation we go dey suffer nw.
•New breakup line: Baby, ur haus is too far. I can’t do this anymore. “Irreconcilable differences.”
•Guys will start posing wit 50 litre kegs of petrol in pictures.
•Babes wuld not ask for Brazilian, Peruvian, Indian nor Malaysian hair but a full tank from their boyfriends.
•Witches and wizards will carry passengers at night at affordable prices.
•Maybe traffic will reduce on Lag roads.
•People who have gone to the village for holiday might not return.
•My neighbourhood is dead silent not even one generator can be heard.
•Bicycle sellers report high rise in sales
•You can deposit your fuel at Zenith Bank, Diamond Bank, GT Bank or any bank close 2 you.
•Bride price will increase and may even include 25litres of petrol.
•Don’t be shocked if u are slapped for trying to burn a thief with petrol.
•Barbing Saloon: Nepa 200, Gen 800.
•“Walk out” will be a popular thing among lovers.
•No more accidents, it will be knee and ankle dislocations.
•Girl: I like going to expensive places.
•Boy: Meet me at Mobil filling station.
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